Pause for thought...
Some people are so odd...and some people are complete idiots.
My life, and the way I want to live my life. This is merely a place for me to ponder and think about all that life has to offer and all that life has to throw at me.
Wow. In riding a horse we borrow freedom. True freedom. I just came back from a gorgeous ride this afternoon. Sure i shtink like a horse...heheeee shtink...but it was so worth it. To gallop along the road, down the valley side and into the river below. Oh what refreshness, what freedom! The sun was coming in and out of the clouds, the wind was brisk and chilled. Twas perfect. I only lost my hat twice today, which is not too bad. And no cell phone. No cell phone! No concept of time, nothing there but me, dexter, and the wide open plains...well...as open as the Springbank plains can be. It was a perfect day for a ride. I was given a chance to be alone with my thoughts again, which is always a good thing. Gave me a chance to clear my mind and just enjoy the sun, the wind, and of course the stunning view. Ah yes, another day in paradise, well, almost paradise i guess. The only thing missing was an ocean, some palm trees, and a setting like Eastern Canada. Big oaks, maple trees and the spectacular automn blazes upon the trees. Ah well. I enjoyed today which was the only thing that mattered. What majestic creatures they are. They way they gallop. Oh there is nothing more inspirational than seeing a stampede of horses thundering along the great plains. It brings tears to my eyes, trust me. I have been blessed enough to have witnessed such a marvel. Oh there is nothing comparable to it. The thundering hoofs, their eyes...oh, to know such freedom. Their eyes scream out freedom. To go wherever one wants to go. Now that is a true understanding of freedom.
The following is a list of products i shall never buy, and I recommend those who read this to not buy them as well. The reason they made it onto this list is solely becuase of the advertisements they put out. The list is numerical in order, so basically the worse culprit is in position number one, as per usual. So without further adieu, here I go:
I am in one of my deep contemplative moods. Philosophical? Perhaps, perhaps not though. So i guess get ready. What is the point of it all? Who are we? What are we? Why are we here? Can i make an attempt at answering those questions? Of course i can. But honestly they are just wild-ass guesses half the time. I mean some people will answer why are we here with "well we are here to worship god." ok. I buy that. But which God? or is it all the same God, just manifesting differently from race to race and tribe to tribe in order to be known to all? What are we? Well, lets see. We are billions of molecules stuck together because some random scientific freak accident occured within our DNA resulting in us becoming different than Chimpanzees. Yeah. Ok. I don't buy that. How is it that everything worked out that we would develop the sulci and gyri within our brains, and that we would develop beyond the medula oblongata while no other animal has even been able to come close to reaching our stage of development. Am I suggesting we are created beings? I dunno. But it certainly seems iffy otherwise. Now what is the point of it all? I dunno. Perhaps something in our brains says that we are living for something more than what we actually are living for? Is there really a point to life? Other than fueling the destruction of our planet and the corruption of our government by paying taxes. I certainly hope so. Life cannot be meaningless. I refuse to believe that there is nothing worth living for, i mean beyond our realm. There must be something. Which brings me back to this point. Creation. Has Humanity created anything at all? I mean anything? Other than altering and reorganizing the molecules around us into sculptures. I mean, when was the last time anyone heard about a scientist making an atom. And by the way, where did all that energy come from in order for creation to even begin? What kick started everything? The big-bang perhaps? Well...where did that energy come from? Answer me that. When was the last time Humans actually created something. Something from nothing. Exactly. We haven't. There must be some power beyond our grasp, our ability of reasoning. Religion is not meant to be rationalized. Religion, and the cosmos are irrational. They are not meant to be understood. We are not worthy to be in control of such knowledge. And nor shall we ever be in possession of such knowledge. Yes, you may say that science will have the answer. But seriously. The general function and purpose of all Religions is to address fundamental human issues and concerns. And go beond that to try and make sense of the cosmos around us. The mysteries that will never be answered. There is too much going on for there to be any other answer. So i will leave you with this. If it took how many years using the best computers in the world to crack the Human DNA strand. The most simple basic building blocks of life. Then how long would it take to crack the most complicated difficult ones then eh? There's gotta be something going on there. Or perhaps I am hopelessly lost and will have a very rude awakening one day. Ah well. It has been fun thus far! And i musts be off...Ciao!
Alright, I have now noticed that my blog has become really serious. Especially of late. The light heartedness seems to have disappeared. What happened to Gurt, Gustafer and Geraldine? And what of Anastasia and Nicholas? Or Paris and Brad? Sprites, Pixies, Crowns, and Absinthe. I don't know if I like the seriousness of this, but I mean, this is who I am, this is what is on my mind. This is my life. So does that mean my life has become more serious, more (GASP!) down to earth and out of the atmosphere? Or are there just more problems arising in my life than usual? So many questions. Or perhaps I am changing. Perhaps I am growing up. Or maybe there isn't enough time for me to kid around. I don't like this seriousness. I know I have to face reality, and I have done so in the past, I live in reality, yet I was able to seperate myself from it at the same time. It was the only way I could stay so happy so constantly. I have changed I know that. But if that change means me losing my ability to always, ALWAYS, be in a cheerful mood, then I don't like these changes. I want to be back in the atmosphere where the air was light, the sun was bright, and everything was right. Is everything right for me? Yes. Could my life honestly be any better than it is right now? No, I don't think so. Life is grand, but so many questions, so much unfinished business to do. My time left here in this life is dwindling down rapidly. So much to do. So much to say. So much to see. So much left unsaid. Time may bo on for eternity, but see, I won't be, at least in this state of being. See, now I have become morbid again. Damnit anyways. I hate being on such a serious note all the time. Not enough time at all.
What defines a friendship? Is it a certain element of trust? Or perhaps it is a set of common experiences...or perhaps it is a reflection of yourself in them. Or perhaps there is none of these, and as they say opposites attract. I really don't understand the human psychology. The rush of emotions, the chemical transactions that occur. Or perhaps it is something much deeper than just the physical manifestations that occur. Do we recongize these people as those who had an effect on us in our past lives. For example in Hinduism, a friend in this life was a friend in a past life, and this pattern has been going on for many lifetimes. Perhaps the soul finds another mate. Or going back to an earlier post, perhaps these sparks singing out into the dark have found eachother. Friendships cann occur in just about any situation and they come and go. But how often is it that opne fidns a real friend? One you can trust. Life is so full of twists and turns. And many times cruel judgement is given out. There never is enough time in the day. Life is too short. I have been having a lot of those looking at yer watch and wondering where the time went. Why is life so short. It really is quite unfair. But no one ever said that life was fair. I dunno. I love life, but it honestly is too short. And there is nothing worse I have come to realize, then coming in at the end of a story. But then again, for every end there is almost always a new beginning. Here is to living life to its fullest. Cheers. and ciao.
Great, now that I have everyone's attention...uh oh, where did i leave that condom? Riiiight. Anyways, i am hungry once again. Seems to happen a few times per day, but most of the time i jst ignore it and it goes away. And then at home i usually pig out on mini wheats...yum yum. This is going to be another random post so just bare with me...which bear is which? anyways. Life is grand and carrying on. Last night was fantastic, I love Belgium people now. And I have decided that I need yet another cowboy hat...I have two, a brown one, and a white one that Bif Naked woar at a concert. I love Bif, whih reminds me I need to pick up those tickets for the Back Alley and also for the Western Canadian Music Awards...anyone interested in going? Give me a shout. Bif is hosting them so I am like way to excited to even begin to put down in words how excited I am for that. Perhaps I should get tanked before hand. Why the hell are we learning about potatoes and rice in geography? Potatoes were once thought to be a natural cure for male impotence, betchya really wanted to know that eh? And then there is the International Potatoe Centre in Peru. Wow. Amazing. And once again I am hungry. Pregnancy, one of my friends is 6 months pregnant, she is 17. And she is also engaged. Why am I not excited for her? and i am wiped out. Time to fly. ciao.
WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE PUT UP WITH SHIT WHEN THEY DON'T HAVE TO? WHY DO THEY FCUKIN SUBJECT THEMSELVES TO BEATINGS AND HUMILIATION? WHY THE FCUK CAN'T THEY SMARTEN UP AND OPEN THEIR EYES! IF YOU ARE NOT GOING OT HELP YERSELF GET OUT OF A SITUATION, THEN I REALLY COULDN'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK IF YOU GET BEATEN AGAIN! FUCK YOU I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT! I TRIED AND TRIED TO MAKE YOU SEE, YET YOU SAW YOU DESERVED IT! WHAT DID YOU DO TO DESERVE FIVE HOURS OF YELLING, HUMILIATION, AND HITTING EH? ANSWER ME! YOU CAN'T...NOW THAT IS JUST FUCKING GREAT...GO FUCK YERSELF...seriously...
I just realized that I just finished going through Male PMS...wow...that would explain the mood swings of last week...wooooooooooord
If I died tonight, would I regret my life? No. No I wouldn't. I do believe that I have lived every moment to its fullest. Carpe Diem. Sieze the day. I cannot understand people who just sit in front of a television or computer screen all day. It would drive m insane. I always have an urge to live. To go out and do something. To take full advantage of each moment. I watched the sunset tonight. It was stunning. The sky was ablaze in colour. The slight breeze rustled through my hair lifting my spirits as it did so. The mountains to the west towered over the landscape casting their shadows across the prairies. Ah yes. Life was rushing through me. I listened to the wind rush run through the trees, and I listened to the river wash over the rocks below the hill top. I watched as the birds soared freely through the sky. The clouds carried on towards their unknown destination. The lightning flashed to the North and as the light died and the night moved in a strange calmness fell over the land. It was a stunning Night.
There once was a time in my life when I was a very into Christianity and into Jesus. I loved Church and going to Church and singing the songs of praise. I would dance and was extremely active in it. I was sent off to Belize to do missionary work, I was sent off to Notre Dame University to attend a Catholic Youth Conference. I was a key player in the retreats and I loved every moment of it. I would wear four different Christian bracelets to school and attended Bible Study every week. And even then that wasn't enough so I became an online member of three different bible studies. I studied the bible, read it cover to cover and certain books I read time after time. I really loved praying and did so every night. I bought numerous Christian CD's and read the Left Behind Series, getting more and more excited for Jesus. And then in March of 2004, something snapped. Something cracked. I don't know if it was one thing particularily, but whatever happened, I quickly collapsed Spiritualy. I had spent two years of my life building and preparing myself up to be a charasmatic christian and a contagious christian. I bugged everyone in my class to read the bible or to come to church with me. I mean I was a religious nut. I lived and breathed it. But something happened as I said. I cracked. And within weeks I had totally collapsed spritiualy. Why do I bring this up now? Well for one thing I feel dead inside. I recognize this feeling as the same one I felt when i went through my desertification period of my spiritual life. I was being tested day and night and I came through, but barely. I was exhauseted after that period of my life. And I know as a christian that many go through waves, ups and downs on our spiritual life. I had gone through that also many times. I was so happy during that time. In fact I was so happy all the time that people actually got annoyed at me for being so cheerful and happy all the time. I never had any bad days or bad moments at all. And yet at this point I am so fragile and weak. My emotions are on a roller coaster. I really cannot bear it anymore. I am taking this to be a sign that I need t get back to what I left. But now there are so many questions. Who was Jesus? What ever happened during those 18 years that he disappeared from the bible? (between 12 and 30) there are many unanswered questions I have about Christianity. I know a founding principle of that religion is that one does not have to see to believe. I am not like that. Do I believe in a God? Of course I do. The vessel that carried that belief is broken, yet what was on the inside, the actual belief. That spark within my soul is still there, oh it will never leave. Yet what kind of new vessel do I want to place this belief in? What shapre or form? I am a Hindu, I am a Muslim. Everyone is born a Hindu, and anyone who submits before the will of God is a Muslim. I do submit before God. Yet who is He or She? Did God really manifest in Jesus Christ? Or was that something that the Early Christians twisted. Do I believe Jesus walked this Earth? Oh yes. Do I believe that he preformed Miracles? Oh yes. But so did Moses. What about Buddah? All of them were Earthly manifestations of a higher being. There really is n doubting it. But which one is right? Or is there no right? Or all they all right? What is the way to God? What is the true way to the Almighty Ruler of the Heavens? The Bible is absolutly fantastic. As is the Quran and the Bhagavad Gita. But can I believe in all three? Do I have to necessarily pick out one religion to believe and follow? Or can I be a bit of everything? If anything I identify most cloesly with Christianity. I believe that there is way too much going on for Jesus to just be any old guy who got Crucified. No there definetly is something more. The chances for just any 8 out of the 300 prophecies made directly about the Messiah to come true and be manifested in one person is astronomical, something like 1 in 120 million. Yet Jesus Christ fulfilled 328 of the prophecies made about the Messiah in the Old Testament. Do the Math. I now see. The facts are as clear as day now that it is written out. I don't need any proof to tell me about God and Truth. I just have to look at the sunset and I believe. There is a heaven and we cannot enter it on our own terms. These terms were set out hundreds of years ago by a power much higher than us. No matter what I do, I must be held accountable to my actions. I am a Christian. I am a Jew. I am a Muslim. I am a Hindu. I am a Buddhist. I bellieve that there is a higher power. And I believe that all religions will lead us and point us back to one common point. There is a God. He is ruling over this domain. And it does not really matter which vessel we carry our belief in as long as we believe, for if all roads lead back to him, then so be it. To each his own. I do believe. AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS IN THE END! ciao.
I have lost myself. I am back at square one.
So i dug up my old journal...handwritten...and went to september 9...here is what i did one year ago today...
Never mind what you might have heard about me. Never mind what you think you know about me. You can't understand a person by the way they look. What I am is too far in and can't be found. I am a person. I am a unique person. I am more than just a nummber, I am more than just a face. I have a story. I have a story that I want to tell. I want to meet people. I want people to meet me. I want to see the world. I love the sunset. I love the sunrise. Do not go gently into that good night. Rage Rage against the dying of the light. I start a new chapter in my life tomorrow. What shall it hold? One does not know. They tell us what it may be like. But again I am different. I am more than just a face in a crowd. I am a person. I have feelings. I have faults. I am not perfect nor do I want to be. I am smart and dumb. I am right and wrong. I am big and small. I go left and I go right. I follow this person. This persono follows me. I have friends. And friends have me. I am more than just a grain of sand. I am a spark in this world. I am a bright spark singing out into the darkness. Hopeing that another spark will hear me and find me. That way we can sing our songs together and shine more brightly. Never mind what you have heard about me. Never mind what you think you know about me. Do not judge me until you meet me. Do not try to understand me withouot looking at me. Do not single me out. I am a part of the crowd. If one person jumps off a bridge I will follow them. If I jump off a bridge no one will follow me. I have jumped off he deep end. And I'm free. Free falling that is. But I am free. Where is the bottom? I do not know, and nor can I see. I pray to the heavens that there is no bottom. Faster and Faster. Time isn't slowing down. My life isn;t flashin before me. No it is carrying on. New memories. New people. New moments that will stay with me. You never know when you are making a memory, so therefore make each moment count. If someone jumps off a bridge I will not follow them. I dance to my own drum, and I march to my own beat. Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. I am more than just a face in the crowd. I am more than justs a member of society. I am more than just a lost individual trying to find their place in this world. I am who I am. I am that I am. Who you say I am, I am. I am a follower and a leader. I am a leader and a follower. I do not lead and I do not follow. I am Roo. And no one, and nothing can ever change who I am.
I really fcuked up my elbow. Wow, last winter i slipped on ice twice in a one week period. I know i chipped something in there cuz i could feel it, but this is really starting to bug me. I can't lean my elbow on my desk anymore cuz everything moves in it. It's not painful, just weird and slightly uncomfortable. I think i might just go and see my doctor about it. Wow. A very injurious year this has been. Meh. Life goes on...Ciao!
I had to escape