Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Pause for thought...

Yes, I really am that fucking charming!

Snowflakes! Snowballs! And other fun snow related things!

So, Calgary is getting dumped again...woohoo!!! Yay for another week of trying to dig ourselves out and getting our timings back to normal again! The city doesn't know how to clear snow at all, half the time its worse in the city then it is out in the country, like c'mon! Yesterday I got my car stuck on a road in calgary, yes, on a road...it took four people to push it out with someone driving (tehehee, a little asian lady)...but man that rightfully pissed me off, i shouldn't get stuck like that on a road in a city of a million people, seriously folks. Ah well, but hey, I am enjoying the snow, if its going to be cold, it might as well be snowy as well, kinda makes things all pretty to look at hahahaha. Well, I think so anyways.

But man, I love the snow, i mean, its so much fun to play in!!!! Like tobogganing, snowball fights, snow angels, and man! Playing football in the snow is an absolute blast!! hahaa, then of course there is writing your name in the snow...or peeing it, depends on the person...Hahaha, man it was like one year ago this coming weekend that I was down in lethbridge and we were busy slidding down the ramps there at the univeristy on crazy carpets, oh good times! Maybe I will find a fun hill and do that here, maybe get some friends together for an afternoon or evening of sliding, only to come inside and curl up by the fire while drinking hot cocoa....mmmmm, yum....with marshmellows!

Hmmm...this is quite interesting, it would seem as though there is no wind whatsoever outside either, for once the snow here is just gliding to the ground, how pleasant and nice....*le sigh* what a gorgeous day to be outside, and yet here I am, about to get stuck all day at work...i really do hate working somedays, especially on days like this, I wish I was retired! Hahahaa...that would be nice. But alas, here I am, stuck as a working stiff, blah de blah de blah...

So going back to yesterdays posting...the cosmos are still out of alignment, but I think things shall soon be rectified...I just need to put some pressure on the rents, become somewhat of a hermit, and actually show that I am concerned about my future, which I very much am.

Hmmm...the snow seems to be slowing down, what a rip off, it was coming down so heavily earlier...jeez...I was hoping to actually kinda get snowed in, but I guess that won't be happening. Alas, though, I must bid you all adieu and high tail it off to work. I have my quarterly assessment today, which could be interesting, I already know the number one concern though! My Tardiness! Maybe I would actually care if I actually saw myself having a future here, but see, I don't see myself here a year from now, so with that, I don't care...but work is fine, I enjoy it most days, somedays i loath it...anyways, I shall let you all know how things went! Cheers and ciao all...

and piss, the snow seems to have completely stopped now...what a let down...! RAWR!

The Cosmos are out of alignment!



It would seem the world is teetering on the brink of disaster, well, at least for this generation of Calgarians. Is nothing going right for anyone?

Some trash cars, some trash their lives, some get a swift kick of reality at the wrong time, some have wake up calls, some lose loved ones.

Some say its the weather, others say its the Zodiac, and I say its the cosmos.

Nothing should be going this bad for so many people, honestly.

What did we do to Karma? Cuz we have obviously done something to rightfully piss it off!

But then again, in my case, this could be looked as a chance to get life going for real...however earlier then originally thought...but at an incredible expense as well though.

ah well, times are shitty, prolly can't be much worse, but hey, they always can be...

so with that, i guess life isn't thaaaaaaaaaaat bad....but still, compared to normal...le sigh.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

A pause for thought

Woohoo for chips and salsa!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Well. It certainly has been an emotional roller coaster of a 24 hours.

I am once again single.

And I am still not sure how or why it happened.

But I can say this much.

I am so fucking confused right now.
And hurt.

I don't understand why i suddenly became single, and so fast!

I mean I was sent so many mixed messages that I don't know what to think of it.

I haven't eaten, I have hardly slept. It's not healthy, but I don't know how else to deal with it.

Lets start from the beginning.

So yeah, Devon calls me at work, sets up plans for a double date of bowling, tells me he hearts me...later on in that evening we meet up at DQ and talk about our weekends and saying how it was worrying to him that we had been apart, and that we seemed to be growing apart in a ways. It was only four days...how much had changed?

Watched the March of the Penguins, and then the talk started.
He asked me if I was ready to be able to move, as in to part ways. I thought I was. But obviously I am not. I just don't understand. Everyone I have ever dated always said that I was or I was one of the best things to ever happen to them, YET IF I WAS THE FUCKING BEST WHY DID NO ONE EVER EVER EVER! EVER! STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME? I don;t mean to be selfish, but for fucks sakes people! I want to be in a relationship that lasts more than one, two, or four months. I want something that will last a while, give me some stability in my life I guess. I enjoy having someone to come home to, to be able to call and tell them how great or how horrible of a day I had. I just don't get why no one stays around with me. Am I cursed? Do I suddenly change when things get serious? What. Why?! WHY?! I don't know if I am more sad, mad, or what. All I know is that I feel fucking horrible. I don't want to get out of bed. But I have to. It may have been a short lived relationship, but it was a passionate one...and it just angers me so much that it couldn't last. Honestly! When will it be my turn to find someone that will stay by my side?

Oh the irony. Here is a little story.
Last month, around this time, I was all uneasy, and Devon picked up on this right away, and he sked me straight up about it. Truth be told I was afraid of him getting bored and leaving me and whatnot, so I was pretty guarded, I didn't open up completely beforehand and whatnot. Well, he reassured me that that would never be the case, and so as a result, for the first time in my life while in a relationship I let my guard down, cuz I thought and was hoping that things would last.
And of course they didn't.
Just my luck that for the first time I let someone in, and let my guard down, it gets thrown back in my face...last time something similar like this happened I stopped dating for three years. I have a feeling that I see myself in that same scenario very shortly. Isn't it ironic!

But whatever...and as for mixed messages...try tonight, watching a movie with Jen and Devon, those two being best friends and I guess me being the newly introduced third wheel (?) anyways, just BLAH!

Everyone says that I was the best, I was perfect for them, that what we had was great...BUT WHY DOESN'T IT EVER LAST?! WHY?!

I mean, if this hadn't have happened four times in a row, which would be four for four...then I think I would be more ok with it, but considering that every time I have ever dated, the same result has always happened, it makes me wonder...
is it selfish to ask when will it be my turn? When will it be my turn that I am the second half of a couple that everyone wants to be? When will it be my turn to be the second half of a relationship that will actually last beyond a few months...when will it be my turn?

I just feel so hurt. So confused. I just wish things would make sense, and man I am writing thing 24 hours after it all unfolded, I am trying not to remember the blubbering mess that I was last night.

As a final thought, reiterated again...
If everyone says I was the best, why doesn't it ever last? When will it be my turn?