Sunday, November 27, 2005

A Serious Chat...*uh oh*

So Devon and I had a serious chat today.
And it was about the time we spend with eachother, and how much we spend.
And, it is complicated I guess with what was said...basically we agreed we wouldn't see each other so much...i guess because he feels it is still too early to be with each other the amount we have been.
I mean it is understandable, but damn, did it have to wait until now?
Now I know I have not been in a lot of relationships, and I really love spending time with him...So I guess I was a bit sad and all cuz suddenly its like...what am I going to do with myself? The only answer I have come up with is to work my ass off...So tomorrow I hit the malls again with applications and hope that i get a call or something, cuz seriously if I am just gonna go back to sitting on my ass again, no I refuse to do that...i really need to get my priorities straightened out, and i think this slowing down between devon and I will be a good thing. And that way we will be excited to see each other when we will...but i mean i get that way now...

I guess I am a little pissed though at the same time...I mean it would have been nice to have slowed down the commitment thing earlier before i got too attached...I dunno...I mean I understand why we need to take a step back, but not why now...but if its in his best interest then so be it. And there I go again. The self-sacrifice...but then again if I didn't do that I would be so selfish. Such a vicious cruel circle. Give and take I guess. But I am more sad than pissed...I know we moved too fast too soon...I mean it has not even been two months yet and we are attached at the hips. We love spending time with each other...he says that, and I want to believe it, but with this latest move I dunno...Its harsh I guess...hahahaaaa, oh man I really should have been dating in high school that way I wouldn't be so god damn naïve.

And I just realized something...I have nothing from Devon really, I have his flower bouqouet...but truth be told you can't cuddle a flower bouquoet. Whereas he has Hamster Cube and Marvin...and I I love the flowers, they add a splash of colour but can't cuddle flowers...I am such a cuddle monster, its not even funny...*le sigh* GOD DAMNIT I HATE BEING SUCH A GOD DAMNED HOPELESS ROMANTIC CUZ I AM JUST SO GOD DAMNED HOPELESS. hopeless. I think I would be fine with this if I had a little stuffy at least that I could cuddle with that I know was picked out with thought and something that I know is unique from Devon. I had the pillow from Jordan which i slept with every night when we were me a freak if you want, but these days i get so lonely so easily...what is wrong with me...i always want to ask that question. Oh man...i think Jen and I connect in this way more than i realized before...cuz now I am dealing with the prospect of being alone when I am not alone...shit. Do I place too much symbolism in the smallest of gestures and what not? I mean I should be fine knowing that Devon is not that far away and whatnot, so why do i need to have a stuffy? Is that being childish? Does that show some weakness? Well Shit. Hello Gemini, over thinking and over reaching everything...
Fuck a duck. Seriously.

And going back to earlier...
Well isn't this just feeding my paranoia...jeezus fackin crist!

Anyways, i am now off to go and wallow in my paranoia.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


I have never had a relationship that has lasted more than 2 months.

I never could figure it out that is...until now.

It seems that whenever i get into a relationship I always get played.
I am too generous at times. I go out even when i shouldn't or i can't afford to.
I never say no.

Of course I never see it, its always pulled right over my head.
It happened with Christine, Jordan, Nicole...
Shit, have I only dated three other people in my life?
Good God.

But see, I think Devon is different.
I hope to God that Devon is different.
I can't have it happen again.
That is what I am so deathly afraid of.
Getting played.
I know I fall too easily sometimes.
I have such romanticized thoughts in my head about relationships.
You know, where I spontaneously show up at Devon's door after he is done school and tell him I am kidnapping him and taking him out on a date. I want to do that so badly, yet I am always afraid to. Afraid that I am going to get turned down.
I build things up so quickly and easily, and everytime i get the rug pulled out from under me.
So these days I am so guarded. For Christs sakes I was paranoid over the weekend cuz Devon seemed distant, and I was preparing for him to tell me to take a hike from his life. Yet there was no reason for me to paranoid. I think.
Haha, oh man, last year when Melissa told me I was becoming more and more paranoid every day I thought she was joking, but no jokes, I think I am.
Am I sick or something?
*le sigh*
So yeeeah...I just hope that Devon feels the same way about me as I do about him...I am not head over heels in love...but i mean, I am totally infatuated I guess you could say. I dunno, I have always just dreamed of a relationship that lasts longer than five months, and i am hoping that this will be it. I have never had that yet and I want to so badly...but at the same time I have to have faith and trust...which has been hard to come by it seems in my life when it comes to dating people.
I am contemplating about sending my blog address to Jen, yet i am apprehensive cuz I mean that would unwittingly bring her into the middle of things. Then again I already put my blog address on my Nex page so it is already there for the world to see. Then again, I hope that Devon reads my page, but at the same time I hope he doesn't specifically because of entries like this, I think this would cause some tension cuz I mean it shows that I am a paranoid little chihuahua again...always wondering when the sky is going to fall...

In other news...I need a job.


If things don't get better by december I don't know what I am going to do.

Anyways, that is all for tonight.

The End.

Cheers and ciao all.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Depression? What is it?

I had a blast this weekend. An absolute blast.
Went to Chinatown. Watched some movies. Chilled. Cuddled. Danced. Rode the C-Train.
Played with Balloons. Yet, despite the grand time that I had. I had an underlying feeling of just utter saddness. Just no matter what, i was not happy happy. I was not my usual self. Everyone asked if everything was alright. The answer is no. I just want to sit here and cry. I don't want to move from my room. I just want to curl up with my depressed music playing and just sleep or read. I don't want to do anything else. I don't want to eat. *Sigh*
Anyways, i am going to go and be all emo and depressed now. Ciao all.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

A Dog's Life

I sit here on a quiet, well actually not so quiet, Sunday afternoon watching my puppy Tess.

And I think to myself. I wish life sometimes was as simple as a dog's life. They get so excited so easily over the smallest of things. Mention the word "Walk" and the excitement and energy that is emitted from them is quite catching. Right now I am sitting on my floor and she keeps dropping her favourite toy in front of me so I will go out and play with her (which I already have done, but I need a breather). I look at her and I can see the good and happiness that fills the world though. I look at her and can't help but smile. I mean, c'mon! Anyone with that much energy and enthusiasm can get anyone in a good mood! *Sigh* To live such a carefree life...On this of all days, I wish I was a happy go-lucky dog. I look at the shit that is happening to those closest to me and in my own life...and I think to myself..."Tis fucked, this world..."

Ah well, take it as it comes...

Cheers and ciao all.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I thought this was fun...

So I did this test at
  • Fashion Test

  • and I found it to be pretty bang on...

    Glamorous Soul

    [51% Tastefulness, 58% Originality, 71% Deliberateness, 79% Sexiness]

    [Tasteful Original Deliberate Sexy] : You choose your outfits carefully according to many criteria. You don't like looking cheap, dull or random and you go to great lengths to avoid this. You are successful, too. People admire your taste and sex appeal. Many try to imitate you but not many can recreate your unique style. Sometimes, however, they find you too intimidating to approach. If you don't wear retro style yet, perhaps you should consider it. It would become greatly your sexy, mysterious self.