Thursday, October 27, 2005

A fucking perfect time for an epiphany! FACK!

Well this just in. I've decided to drop out of the u of c and go to Mount Royal and go into the Interior Design Program there. And yes to add to the oddness of my decision...I had it an hour before I have an essay due in my English class that I have yet to start. Perfect timing eh? So now I don't have absolutely any incentive to do my essay as all I am thinking is...why the fuck should I. Isn't this just fackin' great?!

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Loving the you, you love.

"The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you, you love, well, that's just fabulous." -Carrie Bradshaw

I've been thinking a lot about this quote lately. It is the final line of the final episode of the final season in Sex and the City. And damn, is it appropriate for everyone. It is so true for everyone. I mean, how can you possibly let anyone love you if you don't even have a true relationship with yourself?

And I have come to realize one thing. I don't even know myself fully yet. Who am I? I change so much that its hard for even me to keep up with myself sometimes, let alone my friends. Yes there is the fundamentals of my personality that will never change, yet everything else does. Some remain the same for a while, while other entities of myself will constantly be changing. And this brings me to my next point. What is it that I love about myself? I mean seriously, what is it about myself that I love? Becuase I mean, how could someone love the me I love if I don't even know what it is about myself that I love!?

So, what is it about myself that I love???
I love my eyes.
I love my hands.
I love it how I actually have and show emotions.
I love it how I make facial expresions a lot of the time. If I'm happy then I smile, if I'm mad a bite my lip.
I love the fact that I love sunsets and sunrises and I try my hardest to watch them as much as I can.
I love it how I can go from a black tie affair to kinky party in under 24 hours.
I love it how I am a hopeless romantic.
I love it how I am such a romantic.
I love it that I am smart.
I love it how music has such a huge influence in my life.
I love it how I am such a dreamer, yet I try to keep my dreams within attainable reaches.
I love the fact that I like to read and I can get so lost in a book.
I love it how it takes so little to make me so happy.
I love it that I like cheesy music yet I still care about what others think of it.
I love the fact that everyday I am caring less and less what others think of me. Yes I still have a ways to go, but I mean, I have to start somewhere!
I love how I can be compassionate.
I love the fact that I love to cuddle.
I love the fact that I have a lot of aquantinces, but few true friends. But at least I know those friends will be with me through thick and thin and to the end of time.
I love the fact that I don't mind spending an entire day in bed either cuddling or with a good book.
I love the fact that I can't sing, but I still do anyways.
I love the fact that I can quote random lines from random movies.
I love it how I love to party, whether it be at a rave, or at a small house party.
I love the fact that I don't think I can dance, but others tell me otherwise.
I love the idea that I am hard to get. But truth be told I am such an easy catch if you know what to say, what to do, and when to do it.
I love the fact that I think I can offer the world to the person I fall in love with.
I love it how I can be such a blond/ditz/clutz/fool somedays.
I love it how I like to think I don't have an ego.
I love it how I like to think I have an ego.
I love it how I am usually having a good time no matter where or what I am doing.
I love it how I am an actual intelligent intellectual...somedays that is.

I love the fact that I love myself for who I am, not for what I am.

Cheesy? Selfish? Ego-building? Well, no. It isn't any of those things. Because truth be told...I may love myself, but the question is why do I love myself? I love myself for all those reasons above. There are plenty other things I love and like about myself, but that list could go on for a very long time. Above is just a little sampling, the tip of the iceberg you might say. But how can you be happy and comfortable with yourself if you don't know how to love yourself?

And so I leave today singing Bif Naked's song, "I Love Myself Today" becuase it is oh so true.

Ciao all.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Cruel Irony!

Yesterday I had a lunch date with my mother, so we went to the lounge in her building in downtown Calgary. It has a nice affair, the food was delicious and we had a good chit chat. She also introduced me to some of her friends who come regularily to that establishment, they included Paul Jacakson a noted journalist who has his articles published in the Sun papers. As well as Edmund Oliviero, a local but important music producer, and his assistant, I think Josh was his name. Anyways, the topic of discussion was the Battle of Trafalgar which occured 200 years ago right down to the day and how if Napoleon had won, we would all be speaking French. And as exciting as that all sounds, that is not the real reason for this post. What makes this lunch so much more...cruel, is the fact that while we were talking about Trafalgar and Napoleon, right next door, like less than 80 feet away, was Brada Pitt and Angelina Jolie on a day out and about, and I didn't even know about it. I heard the news and I am kicking myself as i had seriously considered wandering over to the exact same place as them for a nice afternoon out. Well, irony it seems has chosen to be cruel and the two people I have been trying to hunt down all summer were right under my nose, and I didn't even know it. So here I sit, kicking myself, but also laughing at the whole thing. So elusive, yet there they were...damnit!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

To a completed life *Tear*

Today was an absolutely devastating day for me. And I am sorry if things seem all over the place today, as at the moment I am grieving and sobbing away as I type...this is about as real of emotions as anyone is going to ever see out of me.

I had to say good bye to a close, dear friend and a man that was perhaps one of the greatest roll models anyone could have ever asked we celebrated his life today at the massive funeral held in remembrance of him.

It was a day of final goodbyes, and by-god it was one of the toughest days i have ever had to experience. Even sitting here now I am crying really hard. I never knew it was possible to feel as numb as i do at this moment. There is a hole in my heart that i know will never be replaced. Len came into my life at a time when i needed someone to guide me along the path of life. He showed me and taught me what Peace, Tolerance, Compassion, but abole all things, Love is. He accepted anyone and everyone no matter who they are or were. He preached the gospel, and when it was necessary he used words. He lived his life so completely and utterly devoted to the service of others that i cannot fully explain to anyone else what he trully meant to me. I mean, I cannot name one other person who had as much as a positive effect on my life as Fr. Len did. Anyone who came into contact with him was immediatly blown away by his unassuming manner and his love for God.

Today at the funeral, Susan and Jill joined me. We walked into the cathedral and within seconds we were overcome by grief and we all broke down. I have never known such feelings of mixed emotions before. I know he is gone, and I am saddened, yet I know he has finally joined the one being that he devoted his entire life to, and for that i am overcome with absolute joy. Yet the tears still flow without they are right now. We all took our seats, and in all my years of attending the mass at the cathedral i have never seen it so full as it was today. There will people stuffed in every corner, in every available space. There were people siting outside. I don't know if people can really comprehend the huge effect that Fr. Len had on the Calgary community. The fact that over 1,500 people showed up for just one man's funeral is completely mind boggling. It is simply a testimony of this man's greatness. As the choir and band struck up the first song the tears started flowing, and I was not the only one crying, but everyone in the church had tears in their eyes. There was not a dry eye in the entire cathedral. Then as the priests started their procession up the center aisle, the silence that fell over the crowd was amazing...the saddness of the whole thing was so heavy. Between Susan, Jill and myself we were constantly having troubles maintaining composure. It was the same story throughout the entire funeral. The Bishop was presiding over the ceremony, and he said that he felt humbled to have even been asked to preside by father Len himself. But perhaps what got to all of us was how the funeral was so like Father Len. There were no sad songs at all, they were all so happy and joyful, and we all knew that it was exactly what he would have wanted, and that thought touched all of us. Oh it was a day in which i wished I had some tissue...At the end of the mass, when we all said a final goodbye, everyone present broke down...I was a complete wreck, Susan was a mess, Jill was sobbing...and those around us as hard as they tried to crack a smile there were still tears rolling down the cheeks.

After the funeral, all of us who knew father len as teenagers all came together outside of the cathedral. For the first time in years we were all together, all united again. But this time instead of happiness we were all united in grief. Every hug turned into a sob fest. I know that I can usually control my grief, as I was able to maintain composure at my own grandmothers funeral. Yet today everything was was oh so very different. Everywhere anyone turned there were tears, yet through the tears there was laughter with the memories that were created with Fr. Len were all brought up again. Angelica and I ran into each other, everytime we have ever met before it was always with smiles, with laughs. But today it was with sobs. I was glad to have my friends all around me, yet even with them there was a person missing, and that one person was who we all were saying goodbye too. There is sadness. There is grief, and then there is devastation. Devastation is the only way to describe today.

"Behold he comes riding on the clouds, shining like the sun at the trumpet call. So lift your voice, it's the year of jubilee, and out of Zion's hill salvation comes..."

Father Len, why did you have to be taken, there is still so much work that needs to be done, so many people that need to be ministered too...i am one myself. Oh why, why, why...thank you for everything you did for me. thank you for everything you ever did for my friends. Thank you for allowing us to be so carefree and showing us what it means to love one another. You are so missed already, oh so very missed. As the Bishop said "...his journey and work are now complete; and for him, this is a day of glory, a day of rejoicing..." and in that we take comfort knowing that Fr. Len is so unbelievably happy right now that we can't help but feel joy at knowing that. Yet those of us left behind...its so hard. Father Len! Thank you, and Goodbye! Until we meet again in all the glory that is the heavenly kingdom. You will never be forgotten, and you will be forever missed. And as you always said...Praise God! For your work here is done, your eartly mission has been completed. Let the walls be broken down, let love reign the day...Father Len. I am so glad that you have been welcomed into Christs Kingdom, and for that I rejoice. And so, until we meet again, watch over us, protect us, and I shall look forward to the day in which we will greet each other once again in the name of love...

"I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame, I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord. I'm trading my sickness, I'm trading my pain, I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord..."

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

I really need to get back to blogging

So once again it has been a while, oh about two weeks.
But what can I do? Life is busy, between partyin it up, chillin with friends, shopping, school, job-hunting, and just plain being me I rarely get onto blogger anymore.

So, whats new in the life of Drew?

Well...confidence levels are on the rise again. Life has been good, and I mean, these days I am looking good. Not to sound ego-centric or anything, but truth be told, I look good...

This is the latest pic of me out there. I dunno what it is, whether it is the fact that I am holding my head high, or the fact I got more piercings, or maybe it is simply the new sunglasses, but whatever it is...I am constantly being compared to a rock star...go figure. I ran into Karja the other day and she was all like..."whoa...when did you become a rock star?" haha, it made me laugh, I never really was going for the rockstar look, but the more people I ask about my style, the more people are responding with the whole "Rock Star" thing, kinda odd, but I am not complaining...I dunno, as the saying goes, The bigger the glasses, the bigger the go. And Dani, I think I am catching up to you on the size of, my Rock Star lens' are gonna send your Jackie O's on a run for their money, hahaha. I think its cool, I also find people treating me different these days, not my friends per se, but strangers. I get stared at, eyed up, checked out a lot more now it would seem...I can't quite put my finger on it as to why though...ah well, such is the mysteries of life. And I am not saying all this as an ego boost, I am trying to state it how it is, as matter of factly as I can...(is that even a word? factly? i think not, but now it is)

And what have I been up to lately?

Well, I hosted a black tie dinner party at my place this past Saturday night while the family was in Ottawa. Dena, Dianna, Justin, Hayley, Stephen, and my co-host Mala were all in attendence. I would say it was a success. Dinner was good, i missed out on dessert, Dena's salad had a real good kick to it. I dunno, nothing better than a good meal to bring people together. I had quite a few good laughs, and not because of the wine either. It was a fun evening, and a huge thank you goes out to all of you who were there in attendence, you all helped to make it a success, even if that success is only in my eyes, hahaha.

Sad news. Detours is closing. Oh the humanity, oh the emotion.
This past kinky was quite, well, I don't know what the right word would be. It wasn't sad, but we all recognized the evening as the end of an era. Yes, kinky is going to continue on with the new club "Pulse" that is going in, but I mean, it just won't be the same, I mean, Detours as dirty as it was, had some history to it. I mean, Detours in general had a kinda of unique place in my books. I met first met Melissa and Cameron there at the so-called Vamp night that never happened...ahehehe...that was Nicole's and I first gay bar that we ever went to...I dunno, it was Detours. Hahaha, whenever I told my mother I was going there she always made this face, and I mean, I won't get to see that face anymore...*sheds emo tear*

And for some big news i guess. I amm kinda, sorta seeing someone...I won't give any details until things really get going...ahahaha...

Turkey this weekend, I'm excited. Anyways, I should get going, the garden needs some work done in it, and I want to save some of the stuff I want to write down and save it for another post...

Take care. Cheers and ciao all.