Thursday, December 14, 2006

As a side note

Just to throw something else in...
The game is done, I know whats going on now, and as per usual, I was just psychotic and I was just warping things in my mind again...

Oh Ollie...

I think you are amazing, and I can't wait to see you when I get back...

*Dance Dance Dance*

I am in an excellent mood!
The cosmos seem to be in alignment and all is well!

New York is here in a mere two days!
can anyone say...
oh my fucking gawd!!!

it has been years since I was last there, and so I am most excited for this adventure.

I wonder what it is REALLY like. I want to explore the so-called city that never sleeps, and from what I have heard from friends who have lived in Manhattan, that is the truth. I want to hit up the Upper West Side, Central Park, Times Square, Chelsea (since it is the gay village there apparently). I just want to explore the city, and of course that means Broadway hehehe. The biggest question though, is what the partying age is. For example, the drinking age is 21, but can I still go clubbing there even though I am 20? Because seriously...clubbing there would be amazing. Even if it would be by myself.

I want to just experience the whole city.

A friend told me that in the city, there is no room for shyness otherwise I will get my ass kicked. She would know, as she lived there for a time and ran a hair salon in SoHo...or was it TriBeCa, I can't remember, but it was one of those funny names, I think it was SoHo, but anyways! She said i would have the time of my life there, and i don't doubt it. I will be there in the days leading up to Christmas, and I can't wait to see the city. Haha, listen to me gush! Jeez!!!

Another element that I am looking forward to is seeing some family there again. My Uncle and Aunt live in New Jersey, and the last time I went there I was 10, and from what I remember they had an incredible place. It'l just be nice to see them and visit with them again. That way I can also reconnect with my cousins as well. I hope this trip will be all that I hope for it to be. I have my fingers crossed.

Well, Bon Voyage all. This will likely be my last posting before i leave. Take Care all. i will try and post while i am there, but i have no guarantees.

Cheers and Ciao all!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Pause for thought

Fuck PETA.
They are just jealous they don't look half as good in fur as we do.

Single & Fabulous...?

Ah yes, a name paying homage to that infamous episode of my cosmopolitan bible, aka, Sex and the City, season 2 episode...4 or 5(?) The Question mark issue. Or, in this case, questioning the questioning itself. I seem to be in a stalemate sort of state right now, especially in the relationship department. Well, it is not like there is any sort of relationship taking place, but there is certainly the groundwork there for one to potentially rise from. It would seem however that at this rate, well, I don't have a flipping clue as to where this thing could possibly go at this rate. I dislike mixed signals so much. Or maybe there are no mixed signals and me being the typical me, is just over examining every single detail that i have just thrown myself into a never ending loop. Sounds just like a very bad record that happens to have a scratch. Fuck I say. This is a grand problem. Here is Roo talking about fucking relationships again. As that infamous shirt says...Your lips are moving but all I hear is blah, blah, blah. I am sorry that yet again I am stuck here at four in the fucking morning ranting about those blasted RAWR AUGH!!!!

I am just so fed up playing the waiting and seeing game. I don't like games, especially when they involve my head, my emotions, and my heart. I try to show little signs of affection, but to me they seem to go un-noticed, so why should I spend the time then?! I can only put in some much before I expect something in return...I don't know...I just wish I knew what was going on in other peoples minds when it comes to this. That way I know I am not wasting my time pursuiting something that may never take off...Agh this is so incredibly frustrating!!!! Is it so hard to go on a second date? Is it so hard to send a text message? Is it so hard to show something back? Just to reassure me that my feelings are not falling on deaf ears? I said straight from the beginning that I can't do games. And I am sorry if he doesn't know how to reciprocate those feelings, but at least talk to me, let me know what is going on.

It is just that, I feel like I have been down this road so many times before, and I am sick of this bull shit. Is it so hard really? I need to know now before I invest more of my energies into this. I gamble, I put everything on the line, but this time, I am more scared then ever before of being hurt. So, I am being a lot more cautious. If things go sour, I want to be able to be fine in a week and be able to say that I am Single & Fabulous...Exclamation Mark (!!!!!!!!!!!)well int his case exclamation marks. I am fabulous, and I seem to have the looks too, according to some...but truth be told...

As fabulous as being single is...I don't want to be single. I want to be Dating & Fabulous!

Yes, these days it is more my thoughts than anything else being put down here, but this seems to be the only way I can lay out my thoughts, and sort through them myself. Who needs a therapist when you have a blog. I may be psycho, but at least I am Psycho & Fabulous...

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Pause for thought

assholes are assholes because they just aren't as charming as us.

they cant help genetics.


- I odn't know who left that comment on my blog, but I love it...

I have this great gift...

I have this great gift of being able to twist and morph things so radically in my head that it actually chews me up inside, creating feelings and sensations that actually do not exist. I am so paranoid of being hurt that I end up shutting down at the slightest, I mean absolute slightest hint of anything out of line. This is why Andrew should not date, and probably why he has not ever been in a relationship that has lasted more than 4 months.

I whine and complain about not being able to find someone, yet someone my opinion, for where I am in my life right perfect for me has somehow stepped in. Yet I was able to twist every intention and word he said to me and create the most awkward situation imagineable. I specifically told him not to get weird on me because I can't handle it. And somehow, in his own way of showing affection, I completely shut him down, and at the same time shut myself down, shut everyone out, and totally shut him down so he was cold and anti-social. So what it boils down to, is that I was a complete hypocrite and became the weird one. But why...I did not do it consciously. I actually do know though. It is because I am scared. I am scared of being left high and dry again. And so, in my own way of trying to protect myself I created a situation that was soooooooo incredibly far from being the truth that I believe I set whatever this relationship was growing into many many steps back. I did not mean to be the weird one. I was acting normal. I thought he was acting weird, and by me thinking he was acting weird, I became the weird one. Damnit! I have to stop this. I can't over think on every single little fucking detail. But to me, its the small things, the details that I try and figure things out from. A little act of affection here, a little whisper there.

I don't know what to think anymore. I just hope it's not too late.

I want to see where this will go, I really really do. I think he is one of the best things to come into my life at this point in time. I like him so incredibly much, but it would seem that I am the one sabotaging whatever we seem to have. I can't do this anymore...