Sunday, December 10, 2006

I have this great gift...

I have this great gift of being able to twist and morph things so radically in my head that it actually chews me up inside, creating feelings and sensations that actually do not exist. I am so paranoid of being hurt that I end up shutting down at the slightest, I mean absolute slightest hint of anything out of line. This is why Andrew should not date, and probably why he has not ever been in a relationship that has lasted more than 4 months.

I whine and complain about not being able to find someone, yet someone my opinion, for where I am in my life right perfect for me has somehow stepped in. Yet I was able to twist every intention and word he said to me and create the most awkward situation imagineable. I specifically told him not to get weird on me because I can't handle it. And somehow, in his own way of showing affection, I completely shut him down, and at the same time shut myself down, shut everyone out, and totally shut him down so he was cold and anti-social. So what it boils down to, is that I was a complete hypocrite and became the weird one. But why...I did not do it consciously. I actually do know though. It is because I am scared. I am scared of being left high and dry again. And so, in my own way of trying to protect myself I created a situation that was soooooooo incredibly far from being the truth that I believe I set whatever this relationship was growing into many many steps back. I did not mean to be the weird one. I was acting normal. I thought he was acting weird, and by me thinking he was acting weird, I became the weird one. Damnit! I have to stop this. I can't over think on every single little fucking detail. But to me, its the small things, the details that I try and figure things out from. A little act of affection here, a little whisper there.

I don't know what to think anymore. I just hope it's not too late.

I want to see where this will go, I really really do. I think he is one of the best things to come into my life at this point in time. I like him so incredibly much, but it would seem that I am the one sabotaging whatever we seem to have. I can't do this anymore...


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