Sunday, November 27, 2005

A Serious Chat...*uh oh*

So Devon and I had a serious chat today.
And it was about the time we spend with eachother, and how much we spend.
And, it is complicated I guess with what was said...basically we agreed we wouldn't see each other so much...i guess because he feels it is still too early to be with each other the amount we have been.
I mean it is understandable, but damn, did it have to wait until now?
Now I know I have not been in a lot of relationships, and I really love spending time with him...So I guess I was a bit sad and all cuz suddenly its like...what am I going to do with myself? The only answer I have come up with is to work my ass off...So tomorrow I hit the malls again with applications and hope that i get a call or something, cuz seriously if I am just gonna go back to sitting on my ass again, no I refuse to do that...i really need to get my priorities straightened out, and i think this slowing down between devon and I will be a good thing. And that way we will be excited to see each other when we will...but i mean i get that way now...

I guess I am a little pissed though at the same time...I mean it would have been nice to have slowed down the commitment thing earlier before i got too attached...I dunno...I mean I understand why we need to take a step back, but not why now...but if its in his best interest then so be it. And there I go again. The self-sacrifice...but then again if I didn't do that I would be so selfish. Such a vicious cruel circle. Give and take I guess. But I am more sad than pissed...I know we moved too fast too soon...I mean it has not even been two months yet and we are attached at the hips. We love spending time with each other...he says that, and I want to believe it, but with this latest move I dunno...Its harsh I guess...hahahaaaa, oh man I really should have been dating in high school that way I wouldn't be so god damn naïve.

And I just realized something...I have nothing from Devon really, I have his flower bouqouet...but truth be told you can't cuddle a flower bouquoet. Whereas he has Hamster Cube and Marvin...and I I love the flowers, they add a splash of colour but can't cuddle flowers...I am such a cuddle monster, its not even funny...*le sigh* GOD DAMNIT I HATE BEING SUCH A GOD DAMNED HOPELESS ROMANTIC CUZ I AM JUST SO GOD DAMNED HOPELESS. hopeless. I think I would be fine with this if I had a little stuffy at least that I could cuddle with that I know was picked out with thought and something that I know is unique from Devon. I had the pillow from Jordan which i slept with every night when we were me a freak if you want, but these days i get so lonely so easily...what is wrong with me...i always want to ask that question. Oh man...i think Jen and I connect in this way more than i realized before...cuz now I am dealing with the prospect of being alone when I am not alone...shit. Do I place too much symbolism in the smallest of gestures and what not? I mean I should be fine knowing that Devon is not that far away and whatnot, so why do i need to have a stuffy? Is that being childish? Does that show some weakness? Well Shit. Hello Gemini, over thinking and over reaching everything...
Fuck a duck. Seriously.

And going back to earlier...
Well isn't this just feeding my paranoia...jeezus fackin crist!

Anyways, i am now off to go and wallow in my paranoia.


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