Tuesday, November 22, 2005


I have never had a relationship that has lasted more than 2 months.

I never could figure it out that is...until now.

It seems that whenever i get into a relationship I always get played.
I am too generous at times. I go out even when i shouldn't or i can't afford to.
I never say no.

Of course I never see it, its always pulled right over my head.
It happened with Christine, Jordan, Nicole...
Shit, have I only dated three other people in my life?
Good God.

But see, I think Devon is different.
I hope to God that Devon is different.
I can't have it happen again.
That is what I am so deathly afraid of.
Getting played.
I know I fall too easily sometimes.
I have such romanticized thoughts in my head about relationships.
You know, where I spontaneously show up at Devon's door after he is done school and tell him I am kidnapping him and taking him out on a date. I want to do that so badly, yet I am always afraid to. Afraid that I am going to get turned down.
I build things up so quickly and easily, and everytime i get the rug pulled out from under me.
So these days I am so guarded. For Christs sakes I was paranoid over the weekend cuz Devon seemed distant, and I was preparing for him to tell me to take a hike from his life. Yet there was no reason for me to paranoid. I think.
Haha, oh man, last year when Melissa told me I was becoming more and more paranoid every day I thought she was joking, but no jokes, I think I am.
Am I sick or something?
*le sigh*
So yeeeah...I just hope that Devon feels the same way about me as I do about him...I am not head over heels in love...but i mean, I am totally infatuated I guess you could say. I dunno, I have always just dreamed of a relationship that lasts longer than five months, and i am hoping that this will be it. I have never had that yet and I want to so badly...but at the same time I have to have faith and trust...which has been hard to come by it seems in my life when it comes to dating people.
I am contemplating about sending my blog address to Jen, yet i am apprehensive cuz I mean that would unwittingly bring her into the middle of things. Then again I already put my blog address on my Nex page so it is already there for the world to see. Then again, I hope that Devon reads my page, but at the same time I hope he doesn't specifically because of entries like this, I think this would cause some tension cuz I mean it shows that I am a paranoid little chihuahua again...always wondering when the sky is going to fall...

In other news...I need a job.


If things don't get better by december I don't know what I am going to do.

Anyways, that is all for tonight.

The End.

Cheers and ciao all.


At 8:43 p.m., Anonymous Jen said...

Hey you.
He feels the EXACT same for you.
Never be afraid to wisk him away, he's love it. <3

At 7:26 a.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't you love it;
When you find out you apparently;
Used the one you loved.

Or shall I say "played" in those terms.


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