Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Well. It certainly has been an emotional roller coaster of a 24 hours.

I am once again single.

And I am still not sure how or why it happened.

But I can say this much.

I am so fucking confused right now.
And hurt.

I don't understand why i suddenly became single, and so fast!

I mean I was sent so many mixed messages that I don't know what to think of it.

I haven't eaten, I have hardly slept. It's not healthy, but I don't know how else to deal with it.

Lets start from the beginning.

So yeah, Devon calls me at work, sets up plans for a double date of bowling, tells me he hearts me...later on in that evening we meet up at DQ and talk about our weekends and saying how it was worrying to him that we had been apart, and that we seemed to be growing apart in a ways. It was only four much had changed?

Watched the March of the Penguins, and then the talk started.
He asked me if I was ready to be able to move, as in to part ways. I thought I was. But obviously I am not. I just don't understand. Everyone I have ever dated always said that I was or I was one of the best things to ever happen to them, YET IF I WAS THE FUCKING BEST WHY DID NO ONE EVER EVER EVER! EVER! STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME? I don;t mean to be selfish, but for fucks sakes people! I want to be in a relationship that lasts more than one, two, or four months. I want something that will last a while, give me some stability in my life I guess. I enjoy having someone to come home to, to be able to call and tell them how great or how horrible of a day I had. I just don't get why no one stays around with me. Am I cursed? Do I suddenly change when things get serious? What. Why?! WHY?! I don't know if I am more sad, mad, or what. All I know is that I feel fucking horrible. I don't want to get out of bed. But I have to. It may have been a short lived relationship, but it was a passionate one...and it just angers me so much that it couldn't last. Honestly! When will it be my turn to find someone that will stay by my side?

Oh the irony. Here is a little story.
Last month, around this time, I was all uneasy, and Devon picked up on this right away, and he sked me straight up about it. Truth be told I was afraid of him getting bored and leaving me and whatnot, so I was pretty guarded, I didn't open up completely beforehand and whatnot. Well, he reassured me that that would never be the case, and so as a result, for the first time in my life while in a relationship I let my guard down, cuz I thought and was hoping that things would last.
And of course they didn't.
Just my luck that for the first time I let someone in, and let my guard down, it gets thrown back in my face...last time something similar like this happened I stopped dating for three years. I have a feeling that I see myself in that same scenario very shortly. Isn't it ironic!

But whatever...and as for mixed messages...try tonight, watching a movie with Jen and Devon, those two being best friends and I guess me being the newly introduced third wheel (?) anyways, just BLAH!

Everyone says that I was the best, I was perfect for them, that what we had was great...BUT WHY DOESN'T IT EVER LAST?! WHY?!

I mean, if this hadn't have happened four times in a row, which would be four for four...then I think I would be more ok with it, but considering that every time I have ever dated, the same result has always happened, it makes me wonder...
is it selfish to ask when will it be my turn? When will it be my turn that I am the second half of a couple that everyone wants to be? When will it be my turn to be the second half of a relationship that will actually last beyond a few months...when will it be my turn?

I just feel so hurt. So confused. I just wish things would make sense, and man I am writing thing 24 hours after it all unfolded, I am trying not to remember the blubbering mess that I was last night.

As a final thought, reiterated again...
If everyone says I was the best, why doesn't it ever last? When will it be my turn?


At 12:40 a.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

But trully, when do relationships ever end well?
Remember it for the good times, the fun times, the loving times.
Everything you will ever do is a learning experience, but what is the use of ever being involbed with anyone if the only impression that ever remains is bad?
Grieve, remember the good times, and in the end be able to wish him well.
Good luck.


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