Monday, October 18, 2004

Confession time (Uh oh)

Ok. Confession time. I have a serious issue differentiating between acquaintances and friends. When does someone become a friend to someone else? I mean I consider most people I know my friend, I don’t really have that many acquaintances, just friends really. And I have my friends, my good friends, and my best friends. Just to make it to good friend is tough enough for most people, but to have a best friend is something special. Something very special indeed. But I mean, since almost all of my friends left for out of town universities and colleges I have been looking for a new group of friends, new people to spend time with. I think I have found this group. I get along really well with most of them and all that. But this is where my issue arises. When I am called up and invited out somewhere, is that these people being my friends, or are they just being nice to me? Like seriously, I am very suspicious of some of these peoples’ intentions. Not in a bad way, but I just don’t feel worthy to be hanging out with them. Seriously, just think about it. Me! Who would ever want to hang out with me? I am such a dork it’s not even funny. Yet they want to spend time with me. I really cannot answer this myself. But I mean, perhaps some of this uneasiness is due to the fact that I was welcomed in so easily, and rose through the “ranks” of people and went literally straight to the top of this “social ladder” I just find it very difficult to understand. But I mean I consider some people very good friends of mine, yet I am constantly wondering if they think about me in the same light. It just scares me I think. I mean some of the things I’ve seen and heard, the fact that I have actually become somewhat of a confidant to some people I just find it odd. Just how fast we became friends and clicked. Is it because we honestly had that much in common and just enjoy each others company? Or are they just being nice, and making sure not to leave me out. I guess I could look at it this way, that if I wasn’t a friend of theirs and all that jazz then I wouldn’t be invited out as often as I am and to be one of the very few to hang out together within this group. And I mean this idea, this suspicion actually does rub off to when I am hanging out with these people. I mean I seriously push them away and turn down offers that they make to me quite often. Or maybe it just all boils down to the fact that I still don’t feel fully comfortable in my own skin. Perhaps that is the root problem here. A very good friend of mine pointed that fact out to me, the fact that maybe I m not fully comfortable within my own skin. Is it really that obvious? The fact that he could say that obviously means I am giving off some kinda vibe. Hmmm. I don’t know. All I do know is that I enjoy the people I hang out with, I enjoy the time we all spend together, and I really enjoy the memories we have made. Ai, so maybe I should just not be so paranoid about this matter and just go with the flow. I already do just go with the flow, but when it comes to emotions and feelings I find it very hard to open up to anyone about them and open up to myself about them. But meh. I have recognized a flaw within myself, and the fact that I have acknowledged it to myself, perhaps I will work and correct this issue within myself. Ah well, I will see where all this goes. I just don’t want to lose these people because of my uneasiness. Hmph. And that is enough. Ciao!

3 Comments:

At 12:27 AM, Blogger Jen said...

Why wouldn't you be comfortable in your skin? You're such a great person and that's obviously why you have some many friends. I wish I had had the chance to get to know you better, but anyway, it's nice to know see that your life is going so well.

 
At 10:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

your a great person, and i consider you a friend, even tho my schedual is having me stuck at school till ten and destroying what little of my social life i had, btw you aren't a dork

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger Roo said...

Ai...that praticum certainly does sound like a beotch...ah well, when it comes to yer future tho i wouldn't screw around with that...

 

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